ALMOST FORGOTTEN

Not long after I returned home from Europe, my health started to deteriorate fairly rapidly. From when I stepped off the plane, I guess it took eighteen months to physically become what you’d deem a quadriplegic. I was twenty four years old at this point, maybe just turned twenty five, and technically speaking I’d died once. Mum watched the whole thing happen too, heartbreaking.

As I think back to this eighteen month period, it was pure insanity and desperation. Not knowing what was going on, not having a diagnosis, not knowing the system; I was in this constant state of acute fear. And, I’m a pretty chill guy, but regardless, here I was having constant sleepless nights and basically a nervous breakdown. As a twenty five year old, someone who was still developing emotional resilience, but being in this predicament at such a young age, I suppose mental overwhelm is sorta inevitable when all signs are pointing towards a very uncomfortable death. And this appeared to be fast approaching.

Tragic. I had everything to live for. Prime of my life.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever stressed so much that you’ve had chest pains (or if you can relate), well, this would have been happening several nights a week too. It felt like there was a lightening bolt embedded in my torso. And why I say this happened at night (or, primarily happened at night), you see, during the day I was always bouncing around between medical appointments, or even having therapies. The dance of desperation of hope.

This was such an intense time, and I’m sure you’ll only “truly” understand what I’m talking about here if you’ve been through something similar. Nothing compares to a catastrophic health challenge, honestly, I mean nothing. Especially if you have the desire to live, so you’re always fighting, crawling, almost begging for a breakthrough; and obviously failure isn’t an option. You’re in evanescence.

But what I remember most about this period, it’s like my body became a vessel, this capsule of healing and health. Everything I did was aimed at building myself back up, which, I guess you could say that a lot of what I was doing related to fuelling this restoration. I was so disciplined too, so devoted to my “mission.” Hah, the temple. I gave my body everything,

It’s funny though, as I look back on this period now, I really did give my healing journey the best shot I could, whereas nowadays, for sure no longer is my body the temple. It’s battle-scared and beaten. Also, I’m nowhere near as dedicated to my healing journey as I once was, I’m at maybe 15 per cent. Like sure my diet is quite good, but as far as doing “bad things” that comfort, I’m way more lenient. My life doesn’t revolve around building myself back up, rather I’m a lot more focused on soothing my mental state. Part of me wishes that I still had that same level of hope a drive that I used to, only where the reality lies, I’m in a vastly different stage of my journey now. I’m not crawling or begging, I’m hanging on. Yet, even in this stage I can still see positives.

Why I bring all this up though, I watched a movie the other night about a guy fighting MND (or, ALS, depends where you live what you call it). Aw man, such an awful disease, in fact this is one of the things the doctors thought I had until they ruled it out. So scary.

But this movie, I saw the same look in his eyes that I used to have, this potent blend of fear and determination. He was making waves too, mostly politically in search of scientific funding, doing way more than I ever did. Still, it was quite heart-thumping to watch. I could relate to a lot. However, there was one vast difference, he was in his fourth and here I am in my twenty first. I joked, “amateur,” haha.

Nah, but seriously, this movie really touched me. I think it reminded me of a part of myself that I’d almost forgotten. Maybe I shut it off because this time period was just so chaotic and painful, but it did happen. The things I went through and put myself through in search of this breakthrough (the breakthrough that never happened, crazy. That word pretty much sums it up.

Only how do it feel about all this today, specifically this initial eighteen month period where the stoic looney tune reigned, honestly, I’m not sure. I was just finding my feet in life and then they were ripped out from under me.

It is probably good to remember though, to remember how hard I did fight and how much I did try.